The Mother of All Mothers

I never understood Mary all that well before becoming a mother. One of many Marys in the Bible, we always refer to her as “Mary, mother of Jesus,” and being cast as the mother of all mothers is not a very relatable lens through which to view her even when you are a mother yourself. Plus it feels like the Catholics called dibs on her, like, a millennia ago, and there’s all these weird lies we tell about her. She’s both daunting and mysterious.

You can fall down a deep rabbit hole on the internet that’s all about the translation of the words describing Mary and whether or not she really was a virgin or young or perhaps simply unwed. Then there’s that whole thing where pretend she was a perpetual virgin and never talk about her other children.

me as an obnoxious baby

My mere existence seemed to irk my siblings.

The Gospels clearly name the four Disciples James, Joseph, Simon and Judas as Jesus’ brothers. I, who made sport of antagonizing my siblings, would be interested in examining the dynamics a familial connection would have wrought on the Disciples. Where’s that show, Netflix?

Basically the things I used to find interesting about Mary weren’t really even about her, and ain’t that a metaphor for motherhood right there?

I once sat in a high school class and listened to the two kids in front of me have a low-talking argument about how many ribs we all have. One said women have an extra set because in the book of Genesis God took a rib from Adam to create Eve. The other kid called bullshit. I felt then the same way I feel now about arguments like that. 

So what?

The number of ribs we each have, or the origins of Mary’s first pregnancy don’t change the overall message of the Bible. I understand that in the early days of Christianity when people were trying to sell others on the awesomeness of Jesus and validate his role as the promised Messiah, that perhaps throwing in “did you know he was born to a virgin mother” may have sounded cool, but did people believe it even back then? It’s clearly a thing invented by men, because only they would miss what’s so crucial about Mary. I mean she did birth babies and keep young snotty children with their terrible immune systems alive before modern medicine, so that in and of itself is miraculous, but there’s more. 

smiling Jesus in robe and red sash resting on sun lounger with glass of red wine in desert, looking at camera

Jesus, pictured on the beaches of Cana,  the morning after that wedding

The Bible often reads like a Steven Soderbergh movie script, dropping you into scenes with no context or background to help. This is certainly true in the second chapter of John when Jesus was attending a wedding in Cana. We don’t know whose wedding it was, or why he was there, or why his mom was there, or his Disciples. But for this particular story, we don’t need to know any of the background, because it’s the one where Jesus turns water into wine. We can all understand how bitchin’ that was. Who doesn’t want a friend with this skill?! All the party invites. Ever.

It’s Jesus’ first miracle, but he doesn’t chose to perform it. He was pushed. When the wine ran out, his mother simply told him, “they have no wine.” We all know how she said that factual statement. The force of a mother’s will is easily discernible to her children with just a look, let alone her tone. Jesus was a bit sassy, replying “My hour has not yet come.” Both Jesus and his mother knew he could perform this miracle, and they knew to do so would change everything. And in the most epically passive-aggressive move ever, Mary tells the servants to take the empty vessels to Jesus and “do what he says.” Jesus gave in. He turned that water to wine because his Momma told him to. 

There’s a lot of unintended conflict and shame thrown around in our modern American conversation about motherhood. I waded into it myself upon first becoming an aunt, then all but drowned in it by the time I started having kids in 2013. The best way I can illustrate this is to tell you about one evening at a women’s Bible study I attended. We were reading a passage about an especially sexist character in the New Testament (I won’t throw share at him because Paul knows what he did), and one woman said, “I have so much trouble examining anything he did because I’m a feminist and always so distracted by what a misogynist he ways.” A chorus of voices joined her, all women of a certain generation who agreed because their’s was the one to break a lot of gendered barriers in our society. They shared experiences where authority figures in their formative years would use things this Bible character said to hold them back. Then one lone, frail voice dissented. She was a much older woman who, it had been easy to learn over the course of several meetings, was still fresh with grief for a husband of over 40 years who had passed. She said, “I was always happy to take care of my kids and husband and the things around the house. I thought I was serving God at the same time. But I guess that’s not okay anymore.” 

There was silence and shocked faces. Clearly none of the other woman intended what they said to hurt. So I said (because I always have something to say), “There isn’t anything wrong with what you did. These ladies are saying it’s wrong to tell women they have to do that and only that. We should have a choice.”

I felt this one deeply because I had the same struggle via the world’s most obnoxious internal dialogue. I’m the willful gal who defined herself with her career, rising quickly in her field, only to walk away from it all upon the birth of her first child. And motherhood wasn’t anything like I’d assumed it would be. 

When my son was first born, I didn’t love him. Of course I didn’t, because I didn’t know him. Yet there was quilt at having this feeling that seemed perfectly logical to me. I did have surging hormones that filled me with anxiety if he wasn’t in my arms, and I often felt a bottomless fear at the thought that he’d be taken from me in a variety of horrible and elaborate, yet equally impossible, ways. I look back now and think what a fascinating adaptation strategy encoded in our DNA. The instinct to protect was there even when love was not. Love came anyway, quickly, but it was muffled by grief. 

I was bereft of a sense of self. One day a well-known and often-consulted member of the campus community where I both attended college and then later returned to work, the next day a stay-at-home mom to a baby I didn’t yet know or understand. 

What I did know is that I had to hang on to myself as tightly as I could. I knew desperately that I could not let my baby subsume me. I had sacrificed pieces of myself to him, quite literally, when he was in the womb, so how easy and alluring it was to sacrifice my identity in the continued creation of him outside the safety of my body. And I saw it happening, in the mothers all around me, but I fought it. 

baby free range

The main downside to being a free range baby is accidentally becoming a card shark.

I vowed never to make my profile picture one of just my children. 

I stood back when he struggled on equipment at the playground, even shooed away other women who assumed I was shirking my duties, because he had to learn to do it himself. 

I hugged and coddled often, so don’t think me a monster, but I was determined my son would be his own person.

And then I read that line Mary says to her son at the wedding in Cana. It was shortly before my son’s first birthday, and f I felt a direction in the haze of new motherhood. Because Mary got it. She knew. 

It is not our job to disappear and become known only as the mothers of our children. We must help our children become who they are meant to be. 

Yes, Mary is the mother of Jesus. But she is also the woman who pushed Jesus to become our Christ as he was meant to be. That’s how I chose to think of her, to remember her. And following her example is how I honor her. 

Mary, mother of Jesus. Mary, compeller of Christ.

OMG, did I just pray?

If you, right now, in this moment of global panic, are feeling alone, stop. We have been here before. Not you and I specifically, but all of us as a human race. As precious and special and worthy of self-care as you are, you are not the first to experience a pandemic, let alone a global-sized threat.


Don’t judge. We’ve all been there.

I have been thinking of my ancestors, especially the strong women just three or more
generations ago, who birthed children in their homes without epidurals and fed a family of 12 without a microwave or refrigeration. Some days my arms get tired just rolling out my yoga mat, and I’ve wondered “how did they do it?” I mean both the day-to-day AND the global pandemics, World Wars, and an Industrial Revolution all while the whole world was one giant mystery because science was in its infancy. 

But I already know how they did it. They had faith. My grandmothers especially, and who do you think they learned it from? The women who came before. Because despite all of the terrible things humans have collectively brought to our religions and done to each other over them, they stick around because they are a comfort to so many.

Many of us today don’t think this comfort is available. I know my friends in politically progressive circles will go out of their way to be inclusive to folks from minority religions, but would feel like a total hypocrite believing in their own family’s Christian faith tradition. Why is that?

In the late 1970s in America a whole bunch of assholes walked into the public square and declared themselves the authority on Christianity. That they did such a thing was antithetical to the very message embedded within the religion itself, but what’s worse is they were fueled not by a misplaced desire to aggressively spread God’s word to others, but out of a need to silence those who they perceived as threats due to their differences of identity and opinion. They had no name for themselves because they didn’t come from established denominations where structures of authority can keep out the crazies. So we gave them names. Evangelicals. Fundamentalists. The Christian Right. They preach a gospel of prosperity to their members, telling poor people they’ll get rich if they just listen and obey hard enough. They tell rich people they are favored by God and anyone trapped by our shitty economic system is there by their own fault. 

Counter Protester

Yikes. Who invited this guy?

In the political sphere they define themselves by who they hate; the impoverished, queer folks, refugees, women who make all sorts of personal choices of which they don’t approve, and any racial or religious minority whose very existence brings their hypocrisy to light.

So I get it. Nobody wants to get in on that.

It’s even worse if you have experienced personal or familial pain at the hands of someone who wielded their Christian faith like a weapon.

But I bet sometimes, in those moments of desperation or exasperation, you find yourself talking to God. You might scold yourself, and wonder if you’re going off the deep end because “OMG, did I just pray?” You probably have been spoked by this happening lately,in this global time of panic and grief, when you’re confused by the duality of being scared shitless but also loving the time to spend connecting with people in newer and deeper ways. After all this is how humans come to religions; with fear and great joy.  

I tell you now that it’s okay. It’s okay to both feel this way—to be weary of any acknowledgement of God and yet hungry for the comfort you know a little faith can provide.

I tell you now to say “fuck it,” forget everything you’ve ever heard about God from others and speak to God yourself. Use those mindful meditation tricks inspirational memes have taught you and manifest the shit out of a prayer. 

Because why let some assholes keep you from God? Sure, they say they’re the authority, and they’ve narrowed the definition of “Christian” to a noxious idea, but their scheme is the oldest one in the book. 

If this were a class and I asked if anyone could tell me about a time in human history when a group of people claimed themselves the arbiters of religion and that they, and they alone, could grant you access to God, every hand in the room would go up and they could all signal different answers. You can’t let that obnoxious #blessed neighbor with the caked make-up, or your uncle with his racist Facebook posts, or that Jabba the Hut cosplayer in the White House keep you from God. Don’t let them win.

When the angel (or perhaps angels, who knows because the books of the Bible are as contradictory and imperfect as we are) appeared to Mary Magdalene in the empty tomb and told her the good news that Jesus of Nazareth was risen and now Jesus the Christ as had been foretold, he said “Go, and tell the others.” 

We all know that sentence didn’t end “Go, and tell the others that corporations are people my friend.” Nor did he say “Go, and tell the others to make concentration camps on your border because Lord forbid we have more brown kids running around our country trying to live their lives.” He didn’t say “Go, and tell the other that ALL lives matter.” And he sure as hell didn’t say “Go, and tell the others that anyone with an interesting sex life should feel as if they are vile.” A great source of love and comfort, and a vehicle to do real good in this world, has been stolen from us modern, empathic, do-gooders in America by people who claim their evil is righteous. They berate you with cherry-picked scripture, and I get that it feels like you’re supposed to cede authority on this topic to them. 

But they are wrong. And there are theological arguments to make against them, mainly because they love misinterpreting the Original Testament. But they also claim to be Christians, and Christians acknowledge the Original Testament is the Law and Jesus gave us the Gospels to free us from the Law. But you don’t need to get into all of that just now. All you need to start is the simple understanding that none of that is God’s deal. Its our mess. The result of this big, beautiful, confusing, and dangerous world God created but does not Lord over like some reality TV show host. God’s power isn’t that he doles out cash prizes or roses or pain and suffering like some Goodle ad algorithm. 

God’s power is that God is there with each and every one of us at all times. Not like some creep lurking around, but a partner baring witness in our most self-destructive and vulnerable moments, or reveling in our joy and ecstasy. God sees everything and yet remains with us. The personification of unconditional love.

Portrait of pensive or sad young woman sitting at sidewalk cafeYou don’t need to make some declaration about believing this. You don’t need to stop your bad habits or even pretend you’ve stopped them. You don’t have to talk about it with anyone, or say it out loud. Faith isn’t something you do. It’s something you have. 

Through faith you will be saved by God’s grace. Saved from your own worry and doubt. Saved from the kind of self-loathing and regret that keeps you up some nights, or sneaks in to pleasant moments and ruins them. God has bigger things to worry about. Believe that and you’ll take one big breath without all those tiny weights on your chest. And what is life if not leaps of faith with the ones we love? 



Welcome to the Movement to End Gun Violence

“If Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were alive today, they’d be my age,” is what I say because using terms like “gun violence prevention” and “activist” just elicit drawn out ohhhhhs and wows from people stumbling through some awkward variation of “thank you for working on that really important issue.” But wow isn’t in reference to importance; it’s in recognition of danger. Then there’s a turn, a distinct switch to gossipy whispers as they ask why I became an activist for gun violence prevention. What happened to me? I see a series of images in mind, each a reason why, each either too private to tell or not mine to tell. So I pick a story that makes me seem like the vapid white suburban lady who knows nothing of gun violence aside from what she sees on the news. I pick a story that belongs to us all.  

A year before Columbine, there was Jonesboro. Two boys attacked their middle school, one pulling the fire alarm, the other a sniper on the perimeter picking off kids as they filed outside. I was in 10th grade. The next time the fire alarm was pulled at my school, I walked outside with two friends. One led us to the center of the crowd. “Better get in the middle in case one of us turned psycho overnight and is across the street with a deer rifle,” my friend said. We laughed. I added, “It’s funny ‘cause it’s true,” and we laughed even harder.

The day after Columbine, things changed. The mood, most of all, changed in our school. Our spring-time tradition of Color Week, filled with pranks and intra-class water gun warfare, was suddenly not so innocent. We lost freedoms we didn’t even know we enjoyed. We were locked up, but in no less danger. 

Have I mentioned I went to high school in Amish country, where a man would massacre a school full of girls a few short years later? Or that I was on the college campus where I worked, listening to the eerie tests of a new emergency

broadcast system blaring from campus-wide speakers, when news of Virginia Tech broke? Or that I was 8 months pregnant with my first child when Sandy Hook happened? Or that my son came home from daycare the Monday after the Pulse nightclub shooting, told me how safe his school was, and I couldn’t agree with him? 

It wasn’t any one of those that made me finally join the movement. It was all of them, and more. 

Can I tell you about the unfathomable shame I felt the first time I attended a memorial for gun violence victims in a black neighborhood? The first speaker looked at my friends and I and said, “Oh good, white people care. Maybe now something will happen.” It was a punch in the gut, and I deserved it. 

Communities of color have long endured an epidemic fueled by illegal guns, obtained through shitty laws and loopholes kept in place because there’s profit in their death. I feel the awesome weight of responsibilities white people have shirked for so long, in so many ways, on this subject and others. But we also applied this violent indifference to our own communities, endangering  ourselves too. In our wake, no one is immune. 

I am not solely responsible for this, but neither am I innocent. I have long felt an internal rage for being so foolish for so long. I feel this rage for others too, for the people desperate to get involved after the massacre at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School. I welcome them, joyously, at meetings and rallies and online forums, because we need them. But I’m still pissed. Do they think Parkland’s teens are the first ones to feel this way? I hear that the outspokenness of high schoolers has woken people up, headlines read “now there’s no more excuses.” I wonder what were the excuses when I was afraid of being shot in my high school? These aren’t the first students to live with this fear. If I give voice to this resentment, will it turn people’s anger inward when it should stay focused on the gun lobby?

If Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were alive today they would be 36.

When my son enters kindergarten in the fall he’ll practice ALICE drills, hide in the closet of his classroom and be scolded silent because everyone’s pretending an active shooter is on campus. He’s sure to come home and talk about it. He’s sure to notice that once again his mother can’t assure him he’s safe. He’ll be the second generation of his family to live with this fear. The second generation to go to school with the understanding that evil can walk in, armed with military-style weaponry, and massacre him along with his friends. The second generation to know that the leaders of his country can’t be bothered to value his life. 

Is this the time to tell you I’m a gun owner? That’s really why I joined the movement. As a white, suburban mom I know the gun lobby pretends they speak for me, and most people assume they do. But the gun lobby speaks for gun manufacturers, so I bear the responsibility to make it known otherwise. 

When I tell people I work on gun violence prevention because I’m a gun owner, they are always surprised. I want to look at them and say, “I grew up in rural Pennsylvania. My family hunted to fill our freezer each winter. Of course I own guns.” So many Americans do own guns. Pretending this is a “gun owner vs. anti-gun” argument is to prolong it, to play into the hands of those who profit from our fear and our deaths. We are part of the problem when we are unable to imagine anything other than this typical “us vs. them” debate that turns Americans into extremists. So sometimes I short-hand it and say, “I’m a gun owner, not a monster.” 

My activism is comfortably occupying all my conflicting identities while educating and organizing people to lobby their elected officials for effective and sustainable legislation. I wield the privileges my race, income, and zip code afford me. I recognize I’m armed with this power by an oppressive and unjust system, so I must use it for the good of those in more danger than I am.     

There is evil in this world. While we’re squabbling among ourselves, unable to imagine a society with more than a dichotomy of parameters, that evil has access to high-powered firearms. When I want to know about evil, I turn to my church. When I want to keep evil from obtaining lethal weapons, I turn to my government. I hound my government. I badger my government. I nag, pester, and bother. It’s not glamorous or sexy. It’s often tedious. It never feels like enough, but it works. Slowly than it needs to, but it does work.

Let this be our call to action. All of us. Disarm our rhetoric, our keyboards, our agreements to disagree. Disarm our violent resentment towards communities that look different from our own. Demand our government, our elected officials, our leaders protect us from evil. Show up, again and again. Evil will always be among us, but our government can keep it from waging war so efficiently, so effortlessly, for so long. Believe it. Commit to it. Now.